Matinum

Taking Charge of Your Health


The wreath is a very classic holiday decoration it represents eternal life or the roundness of circles or something like that and while its used a lot in Christianity there is other religions that also incorporate the wreath such as Veganism, Stonerism, Pastafarianism, Scientologism, and Texanism [Theme Plays] If you’re going to make the Christmas crack you want one cup of that… I didn’t think that through. (Put it) Into a pot, one cup of packed brown sugar For the scientists out there that is a ratio of 1:1 It doesn’t have to be perfect, just like you That’s going on the stove, just keep it movin’ so you don’t burn it We are going to take two liquids and make them one sauce To get into the Christmas mood you’re going to want to decorate, but decorations don’t need to be expensive Instead of buying garland you can take some tinfoil and form it into a garlandy shape Oh, its already feeling like Christmas! Throw a couple splotches on there, make a patch of ice, Don’t slip!!! It is really easy to make a snowflake You just fold a piece of paper a few times, cut some shapes around the edges also in the center then when you unfold it, it is perfectly symmetrical Wooooah, that’s not the spirit of Christmas, something went wrong there Get it right this time you dumb snowflake Alright that is enough snowflakes for this year If you don’t have a mistletoe just go with the classic Christmas stick People don’t do this much anymore, because if you get caught under it, it is not a kiss that gets you out of it. You have to get punched in the face… which is… not for everyone You turn away, and then BOOM you got caramel So grab that piece of ice off the floor So now we are going to graham cracker-malize this it is sort of like a really easy, solve-able puzzle this is not the time to be a badass and put one like that Its almost like this pan was invented by jesus And then, where its not going to fit, do your best to fill in the blanks, Merry Christmas! [singing] If you used unsalted butter make sure to add a little bit of sea salt Now put it in the oven on 350 degrees (fahrenheit) So I put together this nativity scene We’ve got the three backpackers They just arrived at the Air B&B We’ve got the kid who wants to be a veterinarian when he grows up, with his horse and his pig Then we’ve got a really modern family They had their first kid, he was super easy to raise But they’ve got no illusions over how difficult it is having a second kid, so they’re just going to chill. Alright, before you have a second to think about it, you’re chocolate chipping it See how they melt immediately? See how that layer just comes together? It almost doesn’t even matter what is underneath ’cause we’re a shallow culture, and as long as the surface looks good… we’re good Now its topping time! Pecans are a timeless classic Super obvious almonds; If you want to be a hero bake these in the oven for a few minutes and get them all toasty Yes, that will taste better 100%. I am not a hero. You can also take a bit of transcendental granola and be sure to waft some spirit wood smoke Or you can get creative with your sliced almonds and spell out a word I was going to try and spell out meatloaf but honestly that feels a little ambitious for where I am at right now Take some power stone crushed candy cane, and gently apply that to the surface Or take a stroopwafel and make a shark fin and have that sticking out to sort of scare people and then add in a couple other pieces. If you want to speed up the cooling process take an ice cube waft the lower temperature toward the pan for about 3 hours So the tree… thats a big part of Christmas I didn’t want to overwhelm the space this year so I went with a medium sized tree backwards triangulate based… Oh! Where did that come from!? [reads card aloud] [Ominous music] Oh uncle Mark! Oh my god! a new wang-jangler!!! Thats awesome! Its time to give this a little try lets just cut it mmmmm, so it turns out that when you mix cookies, sugar, and chocolate together, it tastes good… so that’s a nice surprise. K so we are getting ready for Santa, lets put out the cookies on the plate The glass of milk, a shot of whiskey, a thank you note a carrot pointing to the tree bacon hung from the chimney with care open can of tuna bedbug powder wherever he’s gonna walk let’s be serious aaaaaand the piss bucket I just want to wish everybody a very merry whatever you were raised with and/or evolved to after the fact [You suck at cooking theme song/ Fahlalalalala remix plays] CAN YOU BE QUIET God

100 thoughts on “Christmas Crack – You Suck at Cooking (episode 54)

  1. 4:37 Well at least you can down your loneliness with that shot and those cookies while crying over your new wang jangler.

  2. The note says

    Dear Santa

    Oh god I am so lonely. I wish you existed and stuff. Oh well have a good night

    I know people wanted to know what it said

  3. Those four-sided snowflakes lost you a lot of respect in my book. You suck at snowflakes, yeah, you totally suck.

  4. This brought back memories of my Louisiana born Grandpa smacking me and telling me pecans are a can you pee in and that its pee-con

  5. "for all the scientists our there thats a ratio of 1:1, doesn't have to be perfect like you"
    Me: is busy innoculating some babies into their new dishes alone he knows–

    Hahaha i use this as background noise! I love your videos, it doesnt feep so lonely when i work alone with your jokes

  6. Pastafarianism is a real religion. It started when some guy got bored of all the religious tensions or something and decided to create his own religion worshipping the giant spaghetti monster. It gained momentum over time and made the transition from a joke religion to a real religion.

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