Taking Charge of Your Health

🎵You suck at cooking yeah, you totally suck🎵 When making a date meal, step one is to get over your insecurity because cooking for someone can be intimidating. You gotta dig deep, look into your soul and remember one thing. It’s not gonna happen. They’re probably just in this for the free meal so keep that in mind and you’ll have a good chance of acting like a normal person. We’re gonna make simple pasta and that starts with roasting cherry tomatoes. Arrange your tomatoes in a sound wave formation then give the old counter a pounder. Mix those in a bowl with some OOS and PPP, Then give that a good spang jangle. Be careful not to mistake this for a bowl of cereal. Spread those on a parchment papered pan then drink the excess oil with a colorful straw. Mmm. That’s not a milkshake. Undo’s on four-hundo, and we’ll send those on a magical journey. Byeeee. Now chop up some garlic. Then we’re gonna core a red pepper. Some green onion. Get some olive oil into the pan, now throw in the breath freshener, and the other breath freshener, some red pepper flakes and the pants stainer And we’ll let that simmer down on medium low and now… 🎵 It’s time check the tomato-🎵 Yep, tomatoes looks fine. Now go into your room and spread garbage everywhere, so that you can be certain it’s definitely not gonna happen. This will keep you from trying too hard during your date, and you’ll end up being more likeable. Now we’re gonna take some spaghettini It’s called spaghettini because it’s teeny, teeny, tiny, tiny, little- oh I apologize So you’re gonna want to salt the water, making sure it doesn’t get too much hotter than the temperature of boiling and then you want to cook this “al dente”, which means “broken teeth” in French. In other words slightly firm. Now let’s strain that pasta, get it into the pan with the vegetables and give it a good wangjangle and then… 🎵it’s time to put on those tomatoes🎵 Now let’s make a salad. To make the easiest salad dressing on earth, you’re gonna need olive oil, balsamic, and Dijon I made this diagram to illustrate the ratio- So you’re aiming for around that much olive oil, to that much balsamic, to that much Dijon, to that much air. Now you can wash your greens and then throw them in your salad spinner If you don’t have a salad spinner, put them in your colander and tape a layer of foil on top, then tie a string around the handle and recklessly swing it around your head until the lettuce is dry. Now we’ll just open up this Jiffy Pop and dump it in there. The cucumber isn’t just a vegetable. it’s an incredible opportunity to send your date a subliminal message. Write a nice compliment, like “you are sparky” or whatever the millennials are saying these days. And then throw that into the salad. Let’s pour on the dressing Then give it a nice gentle toss. Now pull up your shorts or pull down your pants and give yourself a tattoo. Something like “I love Shannon” or Jeb or whatever your date’s name is. Now it definitely, definitely can’t happen because how would you ever explain that? That’s really messed up! Why did you do that? When you’re serving the meal, try to make it look good on the plate. If they ask what it is, just say it’s some Mediterranean thing you whipped up It doesn’t matter if it’s actually Mediterranean, the important thing is that you’re using a six syllable word which will make you sound really intelligentable. Now it’s normal to be nervous, pits sweaty Can’t speak, spaghettini’s on the table already That’s why you should prepare a poster of inspirational sayings to give you a boost of confidence at any point during your date. For dessert keep it really simple. Ice cream is great. Ice cream and berries is even better. I’m gonna take some vanilla ice cream and just sprinkle some blueberries to and fro See, I knew it wasn’t gonna happen… *Sigh This sad, sad story was made with support from Hello Fresh, which is a meal kit delivery service which makes date meals easy and fun. They send you this box of fresh food with new recipes every week, with everything measured down to the micron so you’re not wasting anything. I like it because it makes me look way better than I am at cooking and I learned stuff, and all Hello Fresh meals are certified subliminal message free, which is pretty cool. But if you do use Hello Fresh to cook for a date, make sure you tell them the truth so that your relationship isn’t built on a BED OF LIES… For 30 bucks off your first week of deliveries go to and enter code ysac30. Do it. Or don’t do it. It’s your life. Subscribe or die

100 thoughts on “Date Meal [pasta] – You Suck at Cooking (episode 66)

  1. Al dente is italian and means litteraly "on the tooth" lol
    Yes I'm italian and I suck at cooking OKAY?
    P.s: Your pasta was not mediterranean I'm afraid 🙁

  2. A kindred spirit. Here's what confuses me. There are single moms out there everywhere. I mean, everywhere. It's happening for somebody. Just not you and me.

  3. Can you do tutorials about salad making on the moon? It's hard when you are following earth recipes on the moon

  4. #1 you are all quite sparky
    #2 I actually teared up from a mannequin leaving this guy
    #3 why would she leave? Ear syrup is amazing

  5. And after that night just add some tears on the leftovers for salt then put it in a tub with labels and forget about it after a week

  6. Ok from the start of the series, I thought green onion was a joke name and i just realized that its the actual name

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