We finally have some news on the whereabouts of
Samuel Hahnemann. He is located just to the south of Berlin. The Americans have him cornered in a
Nelson’s homeopathy outlet. But I believe we can still reach him
through the sewers from this point. Bring him to me. I need him to treat my syphilis. Mein Fuhrer… It seems… It seems the Americans have
seized all of his homeopathic nosodes and are using them to treat their own troops. I want everyone who believes
in the tooth fairy to leave now. Doctor Krebs, you stay. Damn Americans! Wasting MY remedies on those clap-infested GIs! Does everyone in this fucking film have VD?
Americans, Russians, us Germans too? Next thing I’ll find that little typist I shagged
in the shower last night has gonorrhoea! Can’t any of you imbeciles understand? If I don’t get any 30C Berlin Wall remedy soon,
I’ll drop dead from advanced neurosyphilis! I did suggest you try antibiotics… You just wanted to stuff me full of that new Penicillin crap! But mein Fuhrer, it cured everyone in the drug trials… Trials? You call that double-blind garbage a trial?! I’ll tell you what a proper trial is. Something more like the Bristol study! You just find a bunch of miserable people
who want to use homeopathy Ask them if they feel any better,
and shoot anyone who says no! Water has magical memory! It could remember that typist’s cute butt if it wanted to. That’s called “quantum entanglement”. Homeopathy can fill the syphilis-shaped hole
in my vital energy. You may think I am making this up,
but do I sound like I am a raving lunatic!? You dolts think you know about science. I bet you browse the Bad Science website,
Randi, and Orac’s blog. I should succuss your brains until your eyes pop out! You’ve listened to that bastard Ernst too much. With his perpetual rants about fucking “scientific evidence”! These allopathic doctors are all pharma shills. In the pockets of Merck and Bayer no doubt…
…part of the global conspiracy. But what do they know about curing fatal diseases? They will never be able to fix my rotting genitals! Don’t panic, Greta.
He wore condoms with us both, remember? There is only one hope. E-mail Prince Charles at once.
He’ll know what to do. Maybe coffee enemas. Or chiropractic neck manipulation. Aryan blood runs thicker than water,
and it gets thicker the more you dilute it. …so Charles will never let me down,
not like that treacherous Ernst. He was a believer, once.