Matinum

Taking Charge of Your Health


[Intro music] Kale is probably the most hated leafy green on the planet but it’s not just because it’s become a symbol of hipster-ism It’s because out of all of the leafy greens, kale is the most smug. That’s why step one when making kale chips, is to humble your kale. Hey, look at me, you’re not better than anybody. OK? See this? It’s called Romaine. It comes from Rome. Where do you come from? Nowhere. That’s where. It’s got a high heat tolerance. People use this to make open-faced tuna sandwiches. People don’t use you to make open-faced anything because your spine’s too thick and nobody wants to eat it. Think about that. See this? It’s called Arugula You get more flavor from taking one look at arugula than you do from eating your entire body, K? Don’t forget that. See this? It’s called red leaf lettuce. The leaves have red in them. Do you have any red in you? No, you don’t, ’cause you’re boring Oh, look at this, it’s a bag of mixed greens. Everyone’s invited to the party except you. Why? Because you have the texture of rubber, that’s why. Also, you’re not a lettuce, you’re a cruciferous vegetable. You’ll never be a lettuce. Don’t forget that. See this? It’s called iceberg lettuce [sigh]. You’re actually better than iceberg lettuce, I can’t lie about that. It’s a flavorless textured ball. The ancestors of the people who died in the Titanic have more respect for actual icebergs than they do for iceberg lettuce. That’s how bad it is. It’s basically crispy water. [Sigh] So you got that going for you. But at least it’s named after something cool. It’s not named after something that rhymes with hail which falls from the sky and hurts people every year so.. Don’t forget that. So now you’re gonna wanna bail the kale out of the pail that you got on sale Then check it for nails and then pull off its tail while muffling its wail and inspect it to make sure it doesn’t contain snails And that it’s not too frail. And then use it to check your mail and rub it on the rails with a banana for scale. Then do a criminal background check to make sure it’s never been in the prison system because you don’t need that kind of negative energy when you’re making kale chips Now you wanna wash the kale but make sure you dry it so the water doesn’t interfere with the cooking You can give it a vigorous shake or hang it from the cupboard Or hold it outside in the rain so that the raindrops cancel out the tap drops Or use a hair flattener. Or a hair dryer Or put it in the microwave for 0.5 seconds Or tuck it in for a good night’s rest Or warm it by the fire Or just become a human salad spinner Oh, God, I feel sick. Now that the kale isn’t so high on itself, you can go ahead and tear off some big pieces Take a bowl Put in a handful of kale pieces. Better enough to cover an onion pan. Put in a drizzle of olive oil Bit of salt And mix that up really good. Take a pan With some parchment paper. Spread them out in a single layer Onion’s on 350 And we’ll put those in for about ten minutes Don’t forget to set a timer on your phone. If you wanna get a little more flavorful than that.. Take some olive oil And some dijon Mix it together Take another handful of kale and get it covered Add a little salt Now take a pan And some parchment paper And spread your kale out in a single layer Onion’s on tree fiddy And we’ll put that in for about ten minutes. If you wanna take a sharp left turn to Flavortown Take some ginger Pour in some olive oil Grate the ginger into that Now add in a little bit of honey Throw in a handful of kale Mix the honey ginger in there And then coat that the F up Add in a little salt There’s a lot of folds in kale. If you were to unfold one kale leaf, it could cover a whole football field If that football field was approximately the size of that kale leaf You wanna take a pan with a piece of parchment paper Spread that kale out in a single layer Ungo’s on three fungo Put that in here for about ten minutes Now if you wanna take a sharp right turn into Spice Village Take some olive oil Add in some cumin And then you decide if you wanna put honey or something sweet in here If you’re not sure if you should, ask yourself Do I like sweet things or do I only like round things? You wanna coat it nice and evenly Now for this one, you wanna take a pan A single piece of parchment paper You wanna spread that on in one layer Onion’s on three funyun We’re just gonna put these ones inside for about.. Ten minutes Okay, so our first batch of kale chips is done here Olive oil and salt kale chips are really good Mustard kale chips are.. A little over done Now we’ve got the.. Sweet and gingery ones Whoa, look at this Ventured into the danger zone here but pulled it out in the nick of time [crunches] Damn these are the best and it’s not just ’cause of my sugar addiction [whispers] Yes it is You can’t make kale chips if you’re the kind of person that’ll just get distracted b- Oh.. Duct tape I love this stuff And finally we’ve got our cumin spiced kale chips Just kale chip perfection raining down on us [Crunches] Mmm No one wants to be that jackass that shows up to a party with kale chips But also you probably wanna bring your kale chips to a party and show everyone how good they are [Sigh] So The way you solve this is Take some of that parchment paper Tape it together Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can use masking tape I listened to someone who recommended masking tape on parchment paper and uh It didn’t stick at all and so I cut her out of my life [Ripping] And then decide what you’re gonna name your kale chips Frumpty Clumpty Kale Chips Blays Paleo Crisps We got Cool Branch Horriblos Cruciferous Belligerence We got Sour Dreaming Bunyan Flavored Kale Chips And.. Taclitos And the final step is to post on Instagram about how you made kale chips and how kale chips are the best And how they saved your life and how they’re so good for your kids And how you’ll never eat potato chips again and only horrible people eat potato chips And basically potato chips can suck your ♪ You Suck at Cooking ♪ Hey, so the reason I haven’t posted much recently is because I’ve been making a new series that’s called You Suck at Everything Where I teach you how to suck at Games Ghosts Space Digging Holes And a bunch of other things If you feel like it, you can download the full screen app and start your one-week free trial Or go to fullscreen.com/yousuck There’s nine episodes with two coming out each week So if you have nothing better to do, watch You Suck at Everything now on Fullscreen Or don’t See if I give a care [whispers] Actually I do give a care, please check it out. Thanks okay bye ♪ Yeah you totally suck ♪

100 thoughts on “Kale Chips – You Suck at Cooking (episode 60)

  1. Wait tree fiddy? Darn Loch Ness Monster i ain't giving you darn tree fiddy. I know it's not darn, but YouTube rules are dumb.

  2. I hate that you got me obsessed with kale chips. First time I saw this video, I would pick up kale every time I saw them at the store. I would make them, then feel obligated to share them with my family, then hope like hell they actually didn't want any because I wanted them for myself. And when they said no, and I'd grubbed unhealthily on a bowl of garlic kale chips, knowing my blood pressure was going to catch up with me one day, all I could think in those moments was: it was worth it.

  3. I love how you can actually use these videos and laugh but I WILL NOT STAN HATING ON MY SWEET CRISPY WATER

  4. And now u see this this is called mariujana plant this thing is the king of green you know why…

    sNoOp dOg always use this stuff

  5. I just made this recipe with some baby kale, it's really good but you have to be careful not to over salt it.

  6. fullscreen link not working and the website is crappier than iceberg lettuce. Any way t get that sweet sweet content?

  7. Ein from FORGOTTEN WEAPONS puts out a video every day & there free.
    Looks like you sux at making videos😑

  8. You forgot the part where you eat them in public while preaching about how we shouldn't be eating meat and anyone who does eat meat are literally worse than a hybrid of Hitler and Darth Vader.

  9. Now you want to bail the kale out of the pale that you got on sale. Then check it for nails then pull off it’s tail then muffle it’s whale. Then inspect it to make sure it doesn’t contain snails and that it’s not too frail Then use it to check your mail and rub it on the rail with a banana for scale

  10. Just wanted to know, am I the only one that eats raw kale stems

    Also by doing this, I have learned that raw kale stems taste like a spicy foot.

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