Matinum

Taking Charge of Your Health


‘kay, I’ve got the potometer fired up, and we’re just gonna find ourselves a nice, juicy… *BING* *punch* Got ’em! ♪ You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck! ♪♪ If your ground-punching game isn’t that strong, you can also just buy these at the store. aaand you could let your potatoes say goodbye to each other… [sad piano music] Except potatoes don’t have the ability to talk, so let’s stop fooling around. Now that you’ve got your potatoes, it’s time to decide what form of baking you’re gonna use. One option is micro baking. If someone tries to condescend to you for using a Micro-Bake Oven, just say, “I’d like to see you operate a Micro—” [Micro-Bake Oven: beep, beep-beep, beep] Beginner’s luck. The truth is, micro baking is super easy. Put your potato on a plate, set it for 10 minutes on high, and your potato should come out perfect. Mmm. Another option is aqua baking. Some people don’t want to aqua bake because they’re worried their potatoes will get wet. Which is silly, because potatoes are waterproof. See? But because they’re waterproof, aqua baking takes a long time. Aaand also it’s called boiling, and that’s not why we’re here today. Baking with the slow cooker is super simple. Put your potato inside, put the lid on, set the timer for 6 years, then go away and raise a family. By the time your kid is in first grade, you’ll have a nice delicious meal ready. Baking baking, the method I’m gonna use today, is what humans have been doing for decades, ever since the discovery of the onion in Bancroft, Kentucky in the 1960s. Baking baking takes a long time because potatoes are airproof. But before you get started, you’re gonna need to prepare your potatoes. First, we’re gonna give them a nice, scrubby wash. Then you’re gonna want to stab your potato with a fork, which is done by jamming your fork inside and easily pulling it out with a pair of vise grips. You can also tap it in with a hammer, you can let gravity do the work for you, you can save time by stabbing with four forks at once, or if you play pro ball like me, you can do this. If you don’t stab your potato first, the steam can’t escape and this is what happens to the potato. [BOOM] [coughing] This can also happen with the micro baker, so, *ahem* don’t forget those fork holes. Now we’ll just slather the potato with Olive Flavored Stab Soothing Balm™, sprinkle with some Freshlock Salt™, and give these guys four free tickets to the Gravitron. Throw them on a pan, Undoh’s on four hundoh, and we’re gonna throw those in for around 45 minutes. Now we’ve had them in for the correct amount of time, but; the fork is the ultimate determiner of doneness. Take your fork and whack the side. If you hear it resonate, then congratulations: you own a tuning fork. But if you take a real fork and it slides in easily to the center, you know it’s done. If you encounter resistance, put it in for another 10 minutes. Now you’re gonna want to saw it open… and then press the ends together, until it opens like a piping hot 70’s change purse. [suggestive 1970s music] Now we’re gonna shovel the inside out, and put them in a bowl. Okay, that’s ridiculous. Let’s use a proper-sized shovel. If the potato hole doesn’t come up perfect, just throw the potato in the garbage and start over— Just kidding. Now look at this. What does this remind you of? It reminds you of nothing. When the Greeks first discovered the potato, they had to invent the number “zero” in order to describe the amount of flavor inside it. Which is where zero gets its shape from. And that’s why we load potatoes with anything and everything we can find so we can try to forget that we’re eating something so flavorless, it’s like staring into the abyss. And the great thing about it, is you can put whatever the **ck you want in there. Why’d you censor that? Thank you. So this first one, we’re gonna throw in some butter. Some cheddar. Some sour cream. Some salt. Some pepper pepper pepper. Some bacon. Some chives. The second one, we’re gonna put in some veggie bullion, some cumin, some cheddar cheese, some cream cheese, some broccoli. Then wang jangle everything together, until there is no trace of nothing. And then we’ll shovel those insides back in there, (so hungry) then we’ll top them with some more cheddar, some more bacon on these guys, some more chives on the other ones. And then we’re gonna get these m***** f****** back in— Oh, come on! Thank you. We’re gonna throw these in the undoh for another 10 minutes to reheat the insides and melt all that cheese [whispering] Or you can just keep a very careful eye on them until you think it’s time, and then take it out based on your great observations and intuition. Alright. So these babies are done, topped with some more sour cream and chives. And while you’re admiring how good these came out, it’s important to make sure that any of your raw leftover potatoes don’t see your decked out loaded potatoes. They’re already struggling with tasting like nothing. They don’t need you making them feel more insecure. I’d like to thank Audible for sponsoring this video. I love Audible because they’ve really gotten me back into books. It’s my favorite way to multitask, especially when cleaning up this s***— Seriously? Thank You. Audible has the largest selection of audiobooks in the known universe. I just listened to “Born Standing Up” by Steve Martin. He talks about the grueling years of developing his act before he finally made it as a stand-up comic and film star. It’s raw, heartbreaking, funny, but more than anything, he’s an awesome writer, and I could not put this book down. You can get that book, or any other book you want for free when you start a 30-day trial. Go to audible.com/ysac or text “YSAC” to 500500 to get started. That’s audible.com/ysac or text “YSAC” to 500500. [whispering] And have a great day. Bye. ♪ You suck at NOTHING, yeah you totally suck. ♪♪

100 thoughts on “Loaded Baked Potato – You Suck at Cooking (episode 77)

  1. fun fact! potatoes came from the americas! any "historically accurate" faux-medieval fiction set in a european setting is showing their butt if they have potatoes 🙂

  2. If u think potatoes are tasteless then you haven't tried normal potatoes. Your potats are filled to the brim with chemicals!

  3. I made one of the potato recipes and it's awesome!!!! Really good. I also understand the pain of wanting to throw away the potato of it doesn't come out perfect from scooping out the insides. I literally broke mine in half and then in thirds and then…. Yeah it was unrecognizable.

  4. That is not cheddar. Cheddar is a colour that doesn't hurt to look at, like whatever you used for those poor potatoes

  5. I didn’t know potatoes could be purchased in a container similar to eggs LoL all the ones I ever saw were in a big ol’ bag.

  6. Optional when you take the insides out put them into a ricer for extra tastiness and good texture.

  7. POTATO! POTATO!
    Hello, YSAC! Nice to see you!
    Glad to have you back with us!
    We have things we need to tell you
    If it isn't too much fuss!

    We really can't forgive you
    When you cut us into pieces!
    We wish you hadn't eaten
    All our nephews and nieces!

    Mashed, and baked, and fried, and roasted!
    Sautéed, boiled, and grilled, and toasted!

    Peeled off all our skin! Dug out all our eyes!
    Diced us into wedges and you sliced us into fries!

    We are glad we came to see you! One more thing we must discuss!
    The final thing we need to say is
    Please, will you stop eating us?!

  8. With roast beef and chiles verdes tatemados it tastes very good. Believe me, mhm what's your name?! I just realized that I don't know your name. Have you ever told us before? You haven't shown us your face neither! Maybe it's because you don't have a name, or a face. Yeah.

  9. Am I the only one who gets triggered when people don’t use parchment paper on their pans? I like my clean looks like new cookie sheets, okay?!

  10. Try micro baking or baking baking a potato WITHOUT stabbing the hell out of it. I forgot to once and the potatoe was so fluffy inside from the steam and NOTHING exploded or caught fire

  11. 4 Years, 10 Months, 2 Weeks, 6 Days, 14 Hours, 26 Minutes and 39 Seconds until my slow cooking is done!! So excited 🙂

  12. when the greeks discovered the potato they had to invent the number zero is maybe the best thing ever said.

  13. I got frustrated with my potato so I threw it at my brother. Now I gotta pay another $700 for a new shiny potato to record stuff.

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