Taking Charge of Your Health

Diego’s the only one that will manage our band. I mean, I don’t know what the deal is with Maury, maybe Diego’s dad saved Maury’s dad in the war. What war? I don’t know! You know, the war! I mean, whatever. Anyway what does it matter if he can’t speak English not everybody has to speak English ok – so he needs a translator – so what! I mean the guy like seriously just got us signed to a label? We just got signed! I mean… This makes me really uncomfortable. Did you red-line the contract? …Yeah… Anyway, let’s talk about Twitter – so how am I supposed to communicate everything I need to communicate and a hundred forty words? Characters. A hundred and forty characters. Characters? Including the spaces. God. This whole thing is so stupid, I mean how many hits do we have on the website? Why would that happen? I don’t know you’re the nerd-core techie-guy, you tell me – I mean don’t people like go to a website and like the numbers go up? That only happens when the web site is online. How long have we been online? Never. Excuse me? Well you really don’t want to put your information online like that because you never know like what type of weird manchild redheaded stalkers you get that live in their moms basements that have weird Lisa shrines you know? Put the site up. Still working on a problem – Hit the button! What about Son of Sam? His sister Sam? John Lennon? Now! (horror music) It’s up. That’s it? That’s all you had to do? Seriously? That’s it – we’re done – we’re up? Yeah, so… Oh my god! We have a band meeting! We have to go! We have to leave the house? How are you alive? GrubHub. Get up. Humble greetings my lady. Um…I was next – I’m just gonna pee. May I watch? Whaaaaat? Please may I watch you? I promise I’ll just stand there! That’s very – that’s so flattering – thank you – I promise I’ll- No, no, no – I’ll just stand there – No, no, seriously, you thank you so much it’s really flattering – but I’m not into that, I’m so sorry please don’t take it personally! No listening! I didn’t really want to – it’s not what you think. God, I’m stuck here… I brought you guys here to talk about Diego, and have little band meeting, we’ll talk about wardrobe next – but um – right now first Diego and we have to figure out what to do with him – Yeah but I just can’t say no! – Seriously – She will do anything. – Anything? – Anything. Anything? Rear-Admiral? Gaylord Perry? – Yes. Glass-Bottom Boat? – All over it. – Chili Dog? Dirty Sanchez? – Yeah we’ve done it – New Delhi Dot? – Yes. – Sad Panda? – Aww yeah. – Continental Breakfast? I don’t even know what any of these mean…I mean I was married to the same guy since I’m 18 – Bikini Atoll? Robinson Crusoe? Oh, the Crusoe! I like it. Do you do the Denver Omelet? Oh! – of course! – Dude! What are you doing? Oh- he makes me so mad! You know, when I was young we had missionary – and we had doggy style – but the doggy style did hurt a little bit. I hope you guys are using a condom. It’s a good idea. I’m wearing two right now. Well maybe we should, just to be safe That’s a really good idea man – you’re a genius. (off screen) May I take your order? Yeah! I’ll have the Denver Omelet! (off screen) Look at me. No! Me! – No. Me. Goddamn it. Diego! What the hell are you doing here? No tengo plata. (translating) I need to supplement my income until you guys get off the ground. Show me the money! ring-ring, ring-ring… Hello? (pretends there is someone on the other end) Hey! Como esta? Muy bien garcias usted! Oh! Fantastic- thank you! Muy bien! Oh Yeah! Guys! I have a very good news for you … concierto para usted esta noche. (translating) I just booked a gig for you. Diego! no no Diego! No! What did we say about these shitty gigs? I’m not playing anymore shitty gigs! I used to play CBGB’s, frigging Limelight – I was the toast of the town – I paid my dues in this town! I’m not playing anymore shitty gigs!!! ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring… Hello? Hola mi amor, como estas… (pretends to speak to Constanza) Yeah so I’m busy, I call you later okay? So… Where’s Nina? Mexican prison. This – this means something. Ma’am, your lemonade. I didn’t order any lemonade. (music- “Vampire Club” by Voltaire) After all these years… My Lisa Hammer notification! Wait. It has to be perfect. New music! I can finally make a new addition. (horror music) (screams) I made grilled cheeses! Dammit mom this is my private time! I’ll just put them here. You only gave me ONE burnt one! I only had time to make ONE burnt one! maybe you helped around this house a little bit – I would have some more time. GET OUT. Ooooh! Let me wash these for you! Get the fuck out! Aww – we don’t want any dirty pee-pees! MOM! NO! GET THE FUCK! AHHHHHHH! (screaming) (Radiana song “Glass Mountain”) Ohhhhhhhh…… oh god I hope you’re not masturbating down there. Oh God!!! Ahhh! Get out!!! (screaming)

25 thoughts on “Maybe Sunshine! Episode Three: Vampire Lemonade

  1. This is so amazing and hilarious!!!! And I'm not just saying that because I'm in it. Ha! Seriously, what a great thing you guys have created here!!!!

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