Matinum

Taking Charge of Your Health


When you’re in college getting a balanced meal is tough. But with modified macaroni it’s easy. You only need two things: macaroni and cheese, and a bunch of other stuff. When you cook the noodles be sure to pour them over some limes to infuse them with vitamin C to help prevent scurvy. Now run to the store and buy an iPad so you can time the pasta to cook it to perfection. Or craft up a little sun dial. Then yeah, just wait for the shadow to get to 7 or 8 minutes. Or spin a top with just the right amount of torque. So that it will fall over right when your pasta is done. That’s pepper pepper pepperoni and cheese. From there, if you just add in a touch of hot sauce you get spicy/not spicy, just a little bit enticaroni and cheese. This pairs really nicely with warm morning after keg beer. Take some fresh basil, put some tomato sauce in the bottom and bathe your macaroni and cheese inside of that. sprinkle your fresh basil over top of that. That’s basiloni and tease. Basically a modern Italian masterpiece. This pairs really nicely with Vodka and Gatorade. Let’s take a little bit of macaroni add in a bit of pesto. It’s called Pestoloni, Yes Please. You can take some broccoli, chop that up. Steam that for a few minutes to get broccoloni and cheese. This pairs incredibly well with being a staunch vegetarian for three weeks until you drunkenly order a drive-thru chicken sandwich Another one you can do is take some Indian curry paste and chickpeas This is super authentic Indian macaroni and peas. This pairs wonderfully with regretting not taking a gap year. If you take some macaroni, put in a dash of whole grain mustard and ham this is basically ham and cheese sandwich with macaroni instead of bread. Also known as the ham sandamoni and cheesewich or hamaroni and chustard. This pairs nicely with bragging about how much you drank last night. For this one you take macaroni and some kind of tequila drink, it’s called the Spring Break. (Uptempo music with a strong beat) (Music transitions into a softer ballad) (Transitions back to the heavy beat) Okay, let’s go. Shallot, chop, chop, chop. Roasted red pepper, chop, chop, chop. Olive oil, you’re not special. Be careful not to move your spatula too fast because the extra friction might burn it. Do you think it’s a coincidence that the word sauté rhymes with all day? I do. Mix that in. Tha’s shallomoni and peppreese. We’re gonna be honest here. *audible eating sounds* (surprised) Honestly it’s so good. Let’s go find out what Katie thinks just to make sure. Katie? Scale of 1-10, just tell me. Katie: Mmm. I’ll take that as a ten, thank you. If you don’t feel like cleaning this up just give one bite of what you’re making to your roommate and then they’re obligated to clean it up for you. Then we’ll take some garlic, just drop it, and it will chop itself. Magic! Take up a sundried tomatoes and… Mag! Get, you know, at least three quarters of a sizzle, for shizzle, happening. Basically get 2.3 metric fucktons of spinach in there. What am I, David Copperfield? Remember how big that was? And we’re not going to be afraid to overwhelm that macaroni. Rules are for suckers! You know, I never thought I’d be the kind of person that would be happy about a food color combo. I always thought that was shallow, but… Look at that, that’s stomach art! I’m pretty sure this is really good when nothing is burnt. *eating sounds* I encourage you to try this. This one is obviously called the: This pairs nicely with your mom. Finally, heat up a pan with a little bit of oil, but maybe you don’t need ‘cuz we’re gonna cook steak! And it’s got oil in it, so, I don’t know. Check the time *laughs* Oh, ho ho! Obviously we’re doing something right. Tell me you don’t feel lucky when you see that even if you don’t believe in anything. Take your *laughs* macaroni-caked implement, and flip your bloody steak. Beautifully– Ow! Fuck. Beautifully cooked steak. And then, place one noodle on top. And that’s called the, Do You Even Liftaroni and Beef? This pairs nicely with a straight shot of protein powder, no liquid. And finally, for this last one you take some macaroni and put on some macaroni. That’s known as Macception. (Deep resonant music) Oh no, it was a dream the whole time. (Music, singing) Sitting in a box in the cupboard like a dry bag of rocks Just waiting one day to be hydrated a little bag of powder, when you shake it nothing’s sadder I can’t wait to slam my face inside that macaroni chowder! I try to eat healthy all the time, okay, I don’t really Try and think about a salad, quickly change my mind Grab the pot and adding water and I watch you getting softer Get the cheese into the steam and then it’s getting hot and creamy! I’m home! I’m instantly home, I could get on the train but I know a better way! I don’t need a ticket just some water from the spigot And then I cook those noodles hot inside a pot and then I’m instantly home! Macaroni, crackaroni, don’t believe in frackaroni Catch you in the back of a hatchback two-handed jackaroni Don’t be five and traparoni say and you prefer balogona Can’t talk macaroni you’ll get smackaroni’d, homie, I’m home *Small yips from the dog* (Sound of dry macaroni being poured)

100 thoughts on “Modified Mac and Cheese – You Suck at Cooking (episode 53)

  1. Put some sugar and spice on it
    I call it "Cooking mac and cheese and accidentally creating 3 little girls with superpowers that level my house in 5 minutes" a.k.a "Macaroni and Chemical X spills"

  2. I know someone who mixes the cheese powder with water. These are the people that don’t deserve good food

  3. Me and my dad did the broccoloni and cheese and ham sandamoni and cheesewich with a custom one AND (get this,) we made all of them into grilled cheese sandwiches. It was amazing

  4. at 0:04, there's a poster on the refrigerator that says "keep calm and wash your ass". I have no idea what to make of it

  5. You forgot the best one take macaroni and cheese then add bacon and then more bacon finally top it with bacon then throw away the macaroni and cheese and just eat the bacon

  6. Dude that's not MACCEPTION

    If you take mac n cheese, stuff it with more cheese then coat it in crushed up macaroni, deep fry it AND THEN dip it with a cheese sauce that's made out of blend up mac n cheese mush.

    Now that's what I call a MACCEPTION

  7. You are amazing in every way. Your videos are hysterical and I share them with everyone. One thing that you mentioned in here was it is great pairing with your vodka and Gatorade, I actually do drink vodka and Powerade (0 calorie by the way, weigh less calories) and it is delicious. I thought that was awesome that you said that. Whether you drink or not is irrelevant, I just think it was great. Continue making greatness with your wonderful cooking skills that are actually quite good but if you suck at cooking this is the perfect situation to put yourself in!!!

    Sincerely,
    Me

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *