Matinum

Taking Charge of Your Health


my Asperger’s story so guys I don’t have
tons of different informational videos on you know like my ass B quiz and my
bipolar quiz my depression quiz and I do lots of little random vlogs and rants
and silly stuff and you know I just kind of lived my life in a fairly transparent
way but I’ve never done a video on my Asperger’s story and so I would like to
share that with you guys what life is like for me being an Aspie being a
female you know with Asperger’s so starting off when I was really little
now keep in mind that a lot of the things that I experienced growing up was
not just because I was autistic a lot of the things that I went through growing
up was because I was in a very dysfunctional home too so I did go on to
develop post-traumatic stress disorder but that wasn’t just because I was
suffering with undiagnosed autism that was just part of it
so starting off with as a girl with autism
I know females that are autistic demonstrate different autistic symptoms
than males like male boys with autism there it’s difference it can be very
very different actually so I will tell you what I was like as an autistic child
I was incredibly intelligent as a little girl
I remember being able to understand things that I was aware no one else my
age was able to understand or even adults were able to understand I picked
this up at a very very young age um and I’m just gonna give you like a
couple of examples when I was about five or six years old and we would be
watching like television I understood the marketing strategies and how the
money was being made behind the commercials I understood all of that no
one taught it to me it was just I had an intuitive way of understanding finance
money the way the world worked like at this deep intricate level like what’s
behind this what’s behind this I could see things in these layers that even
most adults wouldn’t quite be able to see like at that depth and I was also
able to like look into people and see how much depth they had when I was very
very very young so I understood advertising I understood marketing I
understood money all as a very very young young person and so while my
friends would be you know when I was like five or six they would be playing
with Barbies and dolls and doing make-believe I didn’t want to do that
stuff I actually would watch them doing those things and I would watch as an
observer like I didn’t understand the rules because when you’re autistic
you’re always trying to figure out what’s right what’s wrong and what are
you supposed to be doing right now what does this mean what is the norm you’re
always trying to understand everything that everyone else just seems to
understand like they’re in the club and you’re always trying to find your way
into the club and you can’t find the door that like
to it you know so you’re always the observer and so I would be sitting
observing you know I’d be invited to these little get-togethers playdates or
whatever like even in kindergarten in that I would observe people these little
children playing and make-believe it especially like taking dolls and putting
the clothes on them and you know Ken and Barbie now they’re gonna get
married and and I would just look at it all like it was so meaningless and
pointless I really care gonna put all the center chanted putting the clothes
on and then you’re gonna take them off and then you’re gonna put new ones on
and I’m looking at them thinking like what is the actual purpose to this
strategy like I would always be looking for what’s the outcome what’s what it
what is the outcome that you’re trying to achieve here because my brain
operated at at a very young age like a computer like okay if you’re gonna put
this here and this here you have to have a reason why you’re doing it you don’t
just do it to do it you don’t people don’t do things to do things they do
things because they’re trying to accomplish something and so my brain
always operated like in the context of trying to see what a person was trying
to accomplish through whatever their actions were I was always trying to see
what’s the outcome and the reason for that is so I can understand why is this
person doing this thing so that way I would be able to know next time when I’m
in the situation this is what people do and this is why they do it and it would
help me to like conform but with anything that required my imagination
like we’re just doing this for fun how is it fun to put clothes on and off of a
Barbie and move them around and say Oh thou hes going here and there I I didn’t
understand the concept of how that’s fun so make-believe Playhouse all of that
stuff never ever was I into that even when my siblings would
watch like cartoons on TV and they would be you know into the ghostbusters and
you know Inspector Gadget and whatever as an autistic child for myself I would
be watching the commercials that would come on and I’d be thinking oh the
Cheerios some wonder how much they paid to have their ad run between here and
here and I wonder how that’s influencing other children’s minds from you know
wanting to eat healthy breakfast – like you know load up on sugar and I wonder
how many carbs are and you know that and then I would want to like you know go
and grab a box of like Cheerios and look at the ingredients and you know I mean
now that was me at like five years of age I had no interest in the show itself
it was all about learning and understanding the world and and I really
actually remember as a child looking at other children thinking they had I felt
like I was being immersed in a situation where there was mentally impaired
children I felt like I was rather in a class or in a play date situation but I
felt like I was always being forced to interact with children that had mental
impairments that’s what it felt like to me
and these mentally impaired children all knew each other and they were all part
of this club and I was the one that was like not mentally impaired and I wasn’t
part of that Club and I wasn’t given the manual to know how to interact with that
club that’s what it felt like I felt like these people were not sometimes I
would actually watch them interacting and I would think are they pretending
right now to be that dumb but that’s what I would really think are they
actually that dumb for real and I know that sounds very narcissistic but as a
child that’s really what I thought talking about how I was thinking at like
5 or 6 years of age at 5 or 6 years of age I remember if we ever had any adults
come over and if I was ever in a situation where there was grownups and
children of course all the children are always you know shoot away go go play
play play I did not want to do that I wanted to interact with the adults
because the things they were talking about were closer to my level of
intelligence and I actually could participate in the conversation where
with children they were interacting like to me they were interacting like infants
five-year-old when I was a five-year-old I looked at other five-year-olds like
they were playing like newborn babies it really was extremely boring
I got nothing out of it I felt extremely left out but in a way I kind of I had no
interest in participating either because it was just meaningless to me whatever
they were doing was always very meaningless and so I would try to be the
boss I would always try to you know get in there and be like okay instead of us
you know taking these clothes on and off Barbie like over and over and over again
let’s like do math sheets and I would want to be the teacher and I would write
down like literally 5 10 pages of math problems and I would want to like have
whoever I was you know trying to play with would let me be the teacher and I
would write out I would take all this time I would even stay up at night
writing out like all these different questions science questions math
questions English questions and everything I would write it all out and
then the next day when I was supposed to be rather you know interacting with my
siblings or friends or whatever I would try to let them I would try to make them
be my students so I like somewhere between 5 years of age and 8 maybe 8 or
9 I constantly was trying to be the teacher
and people didn’t want to go along with my little program I mean they wanted to
play they wanted to just do senseless stuff and to me I wanted structure and I
wanted order and I wanted to be like educating and I wanted to be learning
and advancing their knowledge and I found like what they were doing was just
so absolutely senseless and I couldn’t make sense of it at all and so as I got
into you know like elementary school I was a complete misfit like complete
misfit partly because I was moving around a lot but partly because I just
didn’t understand how to interact with people the way that they were
interacting with each other like once again I kind of felt like I was the
alien and I was the misfit that didn’t understand any of the rules any of the
rules of this club and I was always just observing from the outside I made all
kinds of mistakes with things that I would say and do that we’re like against
the rules so I was in trouble all the time constantly in trouble in school
they used to have these things annually every single year these outdoor events
where the entire school would be outside doing like wagon races and bobbing for
apples and you’d have all these different centers set up all these
different kind of races all these different kind of things and they’d have
balloons and they’d have you know face painting here and this and that and tons
of activities going on and you know they’d have these horns and you know
you’d finish this race and you go into this next race and then you get a little
ice cream Cup thing you know that you eat with a little wood spoon that tastes
like crap I don’t know how to describe it just can’t believe we used to eat was
like wood but anyway there’d be all this stuff going on and I
remembered reading the annual whatever you call this day because to me it was
the worst form of insanity participation wasn’t optional sorry my nose is so
itchy right now participation wasn’t optional you had to
participate you had to Bob for apples you had to do the races you had to let
people put you on your hands and run with you like a barrel you had to go
into these sacks and hop you had to like you had no choice you just had to keep
doing these things and I literally felt like I would throw up because the
sensory overload was so bad I absolutely couldn’t stand it
I couldn’t stand Jim I couldn’t stand any of the like times we had to get
together in the gymnasium for anything because it meant it was gonna be loud
you’d hear all the runners squeaking on the floor as bright lights I was cold in
there there was so many people assemblies it was so loud
I mean school for me was absolute hell it was hell because I didn’t fit in it
was hell because every single part of my entire body from head to toe was
uncomfortable for tons of different reasons I would have to wear clothing
that like as you guys already know I can’t barely put anything on my body but
I would have to go fully clothed like in whatever my mother bought me no matter
how it felt and this one time actually my mom was so sick of me complained
because I would scream when she would wash my hair I would scream when she
would brush my hair even at five years of age I would scream bloody murder
because you know that’s normal for an autistic person it’s extremely
overwhelming to have someone washing or brushing your hair and so I would scream
bloody murder well this one day I had to start in a new school which was like I
had what 13 different schools or something like that but I had to start
in this new school and my mother was trying to do my hair this one morning
and I don’t remember I was not cooperating
so what she did was she literally like basically shaped my head it was only
like maybe an inch maybe not even quite two centimeters long all the way around
and when I got to this new school there had the boys and girls were lined up in
separate lineups and I had to go and stand in the lineup to get into the
school and I’ve never even been there before I was just like I had to walk
there myself and do everything myself and I was really young this is only like
grade one I was like six years old and I got into this lineup and of course
I lined up with the girls because I was a girl
well everyone thought it was a boy and kept telling me that I need to go in
this other lineup and of course that didn’t make sense to me and I didn’t
know why they were saying that and it wasn’t until I was actually much much
much older that I remembered this happening and then I looked back
recalling why they thought I was a boy was because my mom had shaved my head
like really short so they thought I was a boy so I had lots of horrible kind of
things like that I mean way too many experiences to go into but when I was
about 12 years old I started really getting good at picking up on how to
mirror and mimic normal behavior I did mess up still like quite a bit I didn’t
know my own strength so this one time I was in a new school and I still get like
dislocation injuries because I have I apply too much pressure sometimes I
don’t know how much pressure I’m exerting at all different kinds of
situations so I dislocated my hip my hands my jaw my knees I dislocate stuff
all the time and so I was in school this one day brand new school and I was
trying to fit in with these like other 12 year olds and they were roughhousing
in the hallway and so somebody started this one guy named Chris he started
asking me like who are you where are you from blah blah blah and somebody came up
to him and just started roughhousing with him and then someone else was like
roughhousing and I just like jumped in there I thought oh this is what they do
this is the norm and so I just took both of my hands and I shoved them right
against the lockers and he just whacked his head backwards and he just looked at
me like that was that what what did I do to deserve that you know and that to me
was like holy crap I could have just like really hurt that person and the
game was over like the second I did that to him everybody just froze and look
they didn’t know was she joking was she trying to hurt him did he do something
that we didn’t see that you know warranted that or but that was it the
game was over and I remember somebody said something to me I don’t remember
what it was but like it was something along the line of like there’s something
called overdoing it or I don’t remember about I know I was being reprimanded I
just don’t remember what they said but there it was basically like whoa like
that was really not cool so that’s how I learned that’s how I learned how to
behave was through screwing up and then dealing with the embarrassment of it
that was the only way I really learned what the social norms were just
constantly doing things saying things wrong coming across as being like what’s
the word I’m looking for coming across as being deliberately rude and I was not
being deliberately rude when I got into high school I was still trying to do the
fitting end thing I started becoming more of like a bully actually once I had
a couple friends then it was like okay the way to avoid being bullied is to
bully so I started bullying that didn’t last
very long I ended up in lots of trouble for that and I actually felt so guilty
and ashamed when I would do it because I’m an empath so I would feel what they
were feeling but the same kind of stuff would go on in high school with the
sensory overload anytime there was an event like a dance or there was going to
be like a sporting event that everyone was going
to or something we had to do in the gymnasium
it was just I absolutely couldn’t handle it the more people you put together the
more torture it was for me especially if there was like sound involved you know
if math class it was kind of interesting in math I was so overwhelmed with what
the teacher would be actually talking about that that my brain would get to
such a state of overload I would pass out at my desk every single day and I
would wake up with drool sticking my face to the textbook because it was just
like I’m watching him draw these lines in these numbers and none of this is
making sense to me and you know you do that in high school for like an hour
what’s gonna happen so my brain actually immediately after I would say getting
into like grade 9 math and watching this you know teacher like trying to teach
this stuff up front I started sleeping through math and failing like year after
year because my brain started seeing as soon as the teacher starts talking at
that chalkboard math my brain immediately knew that’s like stranger
danger like don’t go there and I would go straight to sleep out I’d sleep for
the whole hour and surprisingly they let me do that it was a little bit
embarrassing waking up with my face like covered in drool sticking to my textbook
but I got used to it so high school was a lot about trying to fit in try not to
be bullied bullying others so I’m not being bullied I got into like the dating
and everything like that too of course but the one thing that I really
absolutely hated was teenagers like – Oh like gather together go to parties hang
out at each other’s houses go to loud places I never wanted to do any of that
if I could just be with like one friend at a time that was great but they didn’t
want that if I was going to be with anybody it had to be like be with
everybody that was just like way too much for me
when I was 16 I had my own place and I was living on my own and I was actually
working and had my own apartment and everything and my friends would want to
like come over to my house and party and that nope never let anybody come over
never let people come drink in my house or smoke at my house those kind of
things actually made me feel really sick like you know your friends they’re all
going to bars and they’re drinking and smoking pot and smoking cigarettes and
that stuff all made me feel really ill like if I would go for coffee with my
friends and smoke cigarette and drink coffee with them in this loud place with
these lights ever in this after I would get home I would be up throwing up for
hours I would be really sick just because of the combination of the
the cigarette smoke and being around all of the the noising activity and the
lights and it would actually make me really physically ill so that was kind
of going through high school then I got pregnant with my son and I was really
really sick with hyperemesis and so that’s where you’re like hospitalized
and you’re throwing up like crazy and as I was going through the process of
becoming a parent I continued learning about how different I was in comparison
to most people and the way they think because I was always having people
telling me I was hearing the same kind of message but in different words like
that’s not how people do things or that’s not the way the world works or or
that’s not normal or these kind of comments that we’re always you know
saying the way that you’re thinking the way that you’re doing things the way
that you’re planning to do things it’s like outside the social moorim it’s not
normal and I got accused of that my whole adult life I’ve never understand
I’ve never understood Authority and that’s been one really big problem it’s
worked good for me as a parent in that I get along really really
with my children and we have respectful relationships but other parents I would
watch how they would engage like with their children and it was very
authoritarian like do this because I said so and you know spanking and being
very like in-your-face kind of like parenting and I wouldn’t I couldn’t
understand that and they would look at my parenting like okay you’re very like
what are you doing you know and so I got accused of being way too lenient I guess
you could say and with being a home schooler and unschool er and doing
attachment parenting and all of this different stuff like for me as an
autistic woman I know that for me this is the right way of doing things because
I I can understand things at such a level of depth even like the psychology
and the biology behind like everything is happening in the body with how you’re
engaging with your child I have such an understanding of it all that I know that
the way that I’m doing things is for the better interest of my child
but the better way of doing things for me as an autistic female is extremely
overwhelming so even things like co-sleeping with a baby when you’re
autistic means you’re not sleeping at all you’re just literally like gonna be
awake all night long because for me it’s sensory overload having someone else in
my space period so if they’re breathing if they’re moving at all little babies
farting all the time or whatever every single movement is detected so for me I
would become like so in tune with my babies that the second they even needed
to pee I would know that they were about to pee and I would just like instantly
take their diaper and I would just feel it warming like okay they peed and then
you know change their diaper I would know everything that before it was going
to happen because I was became so like in tune with
them and but being being an autistic mother is like very very very very
challenging because your children need you to be around them they need
affection they need attention and when you’re an autistic female you want to be
alone so like women with Asperger’s like myself they have a lot of like
obsessions and not like they have a lot of obsessions but each has like their
own obsession and so if you’re trying to be a parent and you’re busy wanting to
like lock yourself in your room and write lists and lists and lists of
things and do all this research we we don’t do well with interruptions you
know so like my daughter she comes into my room I usually get up whenever three
five in the morning or whatever it is and I’m right away it’s plugging away at
my research and she’ll come in she’ll come in whatever time eight nine in the
morning make breakfast and you know I’ll say to her oh I hate making breakfast
you know like that it’s like you’re gonna interrupt me for real you know so
we just want to be busy doing our own thing and I don’t know what other you
know Asperger females are like when it comes to the obsessive things but I am
extremely happy just being completely by myself doing my obsession so for me my
obsession is like learning and teaching so just as an example for my youtube
channel I will spend like a week researching
tags the percentage of use of the tags the most competitive tags the ratios of
which tags to use on which videos the best keywords to use like I’ll spend
weeks on that I’m not just going to like throw any random tag in there I’m going
to you know compare it to all the other youtubers their videos the rankings
they’re getting I use all these different analytical tools so I want to
spend all of my time uninterrupted working on my obsessions like all by
myself and I know a lot of people if they were
alone all by themselves like constantly in their room just like sitting in the
rocking chair with their laptop they’re just doing their own thing they would
get like depressed for me if I knew I could have a whole week in my room in my
rocking chair I actually have to hop tops one that go on each arm I have them
both going at the same time both running different analytical tools at the same
time I’m charting everything I’m graphing everything and like if I could
do that for a week without any interruptions no responsibilities I
wouldn’t even care if I ate honestly that would be like party central for me
I know that I had another vlog I did on what’s the ideal ASPI holiday and that
was me spending like a week alone in a hotel room that’s by myself and for that
particular one I did last time I did like a playlist on YouTube with the
hundred most unjust undiscovered raw talent and so I did a playlist on that
that was to me like a perfect holiday be completely alone and that’s what it’s
like for me I know some of you guys have asked to like the Asperger’s brain how
is it different like the autistic brain how is it
different than the neurotypical brain they’re all different first of all
because we’re all different people so we’re all wired very differently but for
me my autistic brain is very much like visual so I I see things interpret
things and communicate through like I have to translate everything from video
in and out so what happens is I think in pictures and video when I see or I hear
information it’s brought into my head and video so if I’m listening to you
talk if I cannot picture if I do not have a memory in my brain like a
photograph or a video that equals the thing that you’re saying I
won’t understand what you’re talking about
it’s not until there is a picture in my brain that has meaning attached to it
that I will understand what you’re saying and I and it’s really frustrating
because I have people in my life that try to like use their hands to show me
like what they’re saying if I say can you explain that again and they don’t
use different words that actually where that word now has a picture that it
brings up if they just try to use their hands and sign and they say it louder a
different tone or whatever I’m still not gonna understand they have to use
different words and I’m hoping that by them using different words or rephrasing
it they’ll use a new word that will have a picture attached to it in my mind that
will be like okay now I know what you’re saying and where I’m talking about very
simple things like just as an example of this there’s someone in my life right
now who is working on taking a van and they are going to like gut it and make
it like mobile home kind of thing and so this person is like trying to explain to
me how they’re going to take this bed and they’re gonna do this and make this
into a table and they’re gonna like move this wall and then this thing comes down
nope because I haven’t seen that before
that’s abstract thinking so what I would have to actually see this to understand
what they’re actually saying and so it frustrates me when I say to somebody I
don’t understand what you’re saying I’m not capable of drawing the picture in my
head of what you’re describing because that requires imagination you have to
show me what it is that you’re saying you’re gonna do so I can now have a
picture of it in my head so that way when you are describing oh we’re going
to move this here we’re gonna move that there then I can actually engage with
you in the conversation like oh that’s cool yeah that’ll look nice or whatever
but like I was saying about when I was little and they’re doing this
make-believe I can’t picture what’s going on so if
someone says to me we’ll just imagine this or just picture this okay just
picture this in your head with me no it doesn’t work like that
yes I think in pictures yes I think in video but it has to be something
tangible so if I’ve never seen anything I what my
brain is going to do is it’s going to try to find something as close to what
you’re saying as possible and have that fill in the gap and that gets very
exhausting trying to do that so when I’m talking to someone and they’re talking
very abstract it actually angers me because I’m not able to communicate with
them on this level at all even just assembling things like thank God for my
daughter Aliannah because she puts everything together that we buy that
needs assembly I bought a rocking chair it came with two legs like those like
ones that are like that and all you had to do is take the screws screw them on
and this rocking chair or this chair is now a rocking chair well I screwed them
on backwards so the pointy point our pointy part came out the front instead
of the back and it’s like I can’t even put two legs on because I had never seen
a chair assembled before like this like with these kind of legs so I didn’t I
couldn’t picture how it was supposed to go I’d never seen it before so now that
I know that pointy parts go out the back and the square kind of part goes at the
front now that I’ve seen it all know that like next time but you know even
when I was rocking the chair when it was assembled wrong I just felt like this
really doesn’t feel right but it wasn’t until my friend oh my friend sat in it
and he was like yeah this is like we got this all backwards you know but that’s
the thing and it angers me when people are trying to you know tell me that I
can they’re like okay just listen okay just picture this and when they say that
I say my brain is not capable of imagining what you’re saying
like okay no but Kay take a flower picture flower you’re not a flower looks
like yes okay now just pretend that it’s like this no I don’t that it’s not going
to work like that for me so communication gets really frustrating
because I’m trying to constantly interpret and some people don’t want to
acknowledge that I have limitations and I can be extremely creative but that’s
because I have such a massive memory bank of things that I’ve already
experienced because I catalog all this information in such an organized way in
my brain but even things like I was talking to a new friend of mine just
like mystical things she was saying me about like meditation and stuff like
that there isn’t a place I don’t even have a compartment in my brain for like
the mystical because that to me it’s like it’s it’s utilizing a section of
your brain that is more like visualizing and what’s the word I’m looking for here
you’re engaging this part of your brain that isn’t based it’s not based on like
reality it’s based on like this other I just want to see I can’t even explain it
all I know is I observe other people using this part of their brain and they
understand like the mystical and they understand you know visualization and
they understand make-believe and pretend they like to read you know sci-fi books
and you know they can they’re into meditating and they’re into chakras and
they’re into whatever I don’t have any part in my brain that understands any of
that stuff not one tiniest little bit my brain the
best way to describe it is my Asperger’s brain is a computer and it operates very
much like a computer now there are days and times when I’m
more like prone to having like emotions and feelings and I can interact and a
little bit more of like a philosophical level but when deep philosophical kinds
of things happen I don’t experience the normal range of
emotions that most people would just as one example when I finished and I got my
naturopathy degree and you know that’s a huge accomplishment you know getting
into the field of medicine and doing all this stuff
i I didn’t experience any emotion whatsoever
you know I’ve got my diploma whatever I make some cookies no emotions whatsoever
it’s like you know that thing comes you know in the mail you’re just gonna like
put it down like yeah that’s cool and no emotions whatsoever about that
you know and the sad thing is like certain people in my life that I know
even could like die and I’ll have very very little emotions about that I may
feel bad for the family like the other people who are gonna suffer but my brain
is gonna handle it more like it’s a piece of information than on an
emotional what does this mean philosophical how is this going to
affect this or that I I process things differently another example is when I
was younger and I ran this big the Saskatchewan sits council is the
president of this organization after my son had his vaccine injury and oh man
back then actually I want to just like go off on it like a little tangent for a
minute I remember that I was very different when I was running this
organization because we had this massive fundraiser this is what I’m talking
about I have to just like leave my train of thought for a minute we had this
massive fundraiser and there was like hundreds and hundreds of people at this
event and everybody wanted me to be like because I was the president of it they
wanted me to go in to the front of this large event and they wanted me to give
like speech you know he had like the news
there and there was like all these different things going on there was a
fashion show and a silent auction and I mean it was huge and I did not want to
be seen I wanted to be creating change we did like a documentary and everything
I wanted to be creating the change from behind the scenes and everybody was
looking at me like but don’t you want to be recognized don’t you want to be like
don’t you want to be upfront and having people like applaud you for all your
work that you’re doing and I’m thinking are you freaking kidding me
that would be like shoot me in the head like I’m not going up there and having
people look at me you know I was nobody knew who was even running this event
because I delegated different people to do every aspect of it that I could be
completely behind the scenes and so like I’ll go back to my point now and that is
after this massive event happened and everyone was giving me all this credit
like oh my gosh you’re only 19 years old and you did this massive thing and the
news was like doing things on me in the paper and it was a big thing I was
looking at him like what’s the deal you know
so I’m 19 19 year-olds do all kinds of things I’ve been functioning like a 40
year old since I was five you know I was very very different and they made such a
big deal of it being that I did this massive successful campaign all by
myself when I was like 19 they made it about my age and it like really pissed
me off because they were actually taking away from the fact that this was about
babies dying of SIDS this wasn’t about this 19 year old that can do all this
cool stuff and pull all these people together and you know fundraise all this
money and it wasn’t about that and it actually really angered me that you know
when they interviewed me they were trying to make it about me and instead
of about the cause you know that I was actually really offended by that and but
after the event was over and everyone was just all you know giving me
high-fives and yeah it was irrelevant to me it was just like
the next day it was like I felt no sense of accomplishment I wasn’t proud of any
of it it was just it was done it was over and on to the next thing you know
and I know a lot of people were really uh they were confused by my emotional
state being so unaffected by such a huge accomplishment and I have noticed
throughout my entire adult life that same like sense of disapproval about my
reactions has been mirrored in like every area of my life so anytime I go
through something people are like aren’t you feeling this or aren’t you feeling
that or why aren’t you feeling this or why are you not responding this way or
that way and I try to explain to people I don’t think in that context my brain
operates more like a computer and that would be like let’s just say for example
if you were to drag and drop a folder on your desktop into the trash by accident
and then you were to hit the delete button do you think the computer would
be sad that that information was deleted do you think it would be angered you
know if you were to create instead of a two thousand word essay on your computer
and you put in five years and use and you created a two million word essay
would the computer be proud of you for doing this it would be irrelevant it’s
just a computer that is really how my brain thinks most things are pretty
irrelevant I have to deliberately pay attention to be in tune with the
philosophical to be in tune with the emotional side of things if I if I don’t
pay attention most things are disregarded now I am NOT
like a total like sociopath where I have no emotions I definitely have emotions I
have a bond and attachment to my soulmate and my children that is pretty
much the extent of it but I don’t get the nor
highs and lows and feelings of gratitude and pleasure and joy and that that maybe
the average person does I’m I’m more flat more often because the way that I
absorb information so now that being said I do have an amazing sense of humor
and I can have a lot of fun but the philosophical side of my brain isn’t
really attached to it it’s just like in this moment I caught the humor in this
or in this moment I was able to make something funny but I have a lot of ass
befriends actually that our very deep thinkers and very philosophical and I
think I might have been a little bit more this way like in my my 20s when I
was a Christian but I think as I’ve aged my brain has become more and more and
more like a computer and like less like a human and that just could be that’s
just me it could be that this is the society like we’re living in now but I
would say my relationships have been very greatly affected by my Asperger’s
being an Aspie means you kind of go about life on your own little journey
and people are kind of just like waving at you watching you go by like Oh
Carol’s doing this now over there she goes
Oh Carol’s doing this now Oh over there she goes and you know just like waving
me when I go by but the thing is aspies don’t think to say hey do you want to
join me on my bus so you want to join me on my boat we’re like whoa this is my
boat uh-huh you’re not coming on my boat you go get your own damn boat you know
and I’m not saying all autistics are like this but for me I want my own boat
hey I ain’t letting anybody on and even in my bedroom like this is my sanctuary
if somebody opens my door and I am in the middle of working on my obsession
and they open that door with the intent of
talking to me right away they better be damn good you know what
you need you know and I know it’s rude it’s not nice but we we kind of need to
be able to function in our own little bubbles and in a way that I did another
video on this we do kind of become a little narcissistic because there’s it’s
so pleasurable being alone and our obsessions give us such a state of like
peace and purpose and our brains feel so happy doing our obsessions we don’t want
to do anything else we don’t want to be interrupted for any reason not to eat
not to sleep not to change a baby’s diaper not nothing we just like don’t
interrupt I remember actually when my babies were younger girlie especially
you know I would be like breastfeeding around this one side so the laptop would
have to be on this side so I could you know work on my obsession and then I’d
be like oh she wants to flip sides oh my god that means I have to freaking move
the laptop to the other side no like oh my god then I’m gonna have to move the
cord to over here so it fits and then you know okay okay okay I have to pull
my laptop down and okay move her over here and okay now pick up the laptop put
it over here do that for three four more minutes oh my god she wants to flip
sides again you know or you know they neither diaper change so they go home
but I’m right in the middle of this thing and I don’t you know you don’t
want you feel like if you’re interrupted in the middle of your obsession it’s
kind of like paying a big fine for speeding and and you feel like you
didn’t even speed but here you know you have to pay this like fine almost
interruptions feel like fines then you have to pay and you’re innocent and it
just feels like the world’s very you know unjust so for me that’s what it’s
like I don’t know about any of you other
aspies out there that your life is about your Aspie obsessions but being
interrupted or the worst is if you can’t do your obsession like there’s something
preventing you from doing it oh I feel so bad for you if you are in that
situation I’ve been very fortunate in my life to be able to do my ass B
obsessions and I don’t know they’re kind of they’ve always been very similar to
each other it’s always been at the root of it learning teaching analyzing
researching documenting writing sharing verbalizing lots and lots of instructing
others but I love to learn and then I love to teach what I’ve learned and and
the analytics behind things so website like how to market the
website how to design and create it so it works well in the search engines and
YouTube like I said earlier setting your tags right so the videos can be found
and all of this kind of stuff like as an Aspie I absolutely love mastering things
and career-wise you know there’s not too many people that can manage having to
like executive level careers at the same time and I have been able to manage like
multiple like executive level careers in my life like simultaneously like I have
my gas and oil company that I have run around sorry for nearly 20 years now and
you know we had offices all over Canada with that at the same time I was
training for naturopathy and then I went into naturopathy ended up with a clinic
of like way over 2,000 patients and I did that for like 10 years or so and now
going into like what I’m doing now I’m still running my gas and oil company but
I’m also running a SDV which is an autistic organization that I’m starting
as like a social networking tool for autistics around the world and you guys
can look that up on face look if you want a SD village or a SD B
so we have a fanpage and a group and all of that so as an autistic person we are
capable if we’re not hindered too much by our impairments we can be capable of
doing things that are just like would blow your mind like some of the
inventors in the history of time have been you know autistic people and so the
intelligence is there the drive is there the motivation the ability is all there
the only problem that comes with having Asperger’s when you’re like wired the
way that I am is you can set yourself up for burnout like really easily because
of your obsessions so it’s like you go go go go go go go you ignore your cues
for hunger you ignore your cues for sleep or you can’t sleep because your
brain is racing so much with all these things you want to do when you wake up
and I get up at 3 in the morning a lot like a lot a lot I start my day at 3 in
the morning and so you set yourself up for burnout so you can start looking
like your life is like bipolar and I do have a video on this if you guys want to
watch it do I have bipolar or Asperger’s because your life can actually look very
much like someone who has bipolar disorder because you’re like you’re it’s
just accomplishing things at such a high rate and you’re becoming like an expert
in your field and then all of a sudden you’re just like down with depression
for a while you’re just up and down and you’re all over the place and that’s
what like my Asperger’s brain can look like and I know people have asked me
before like you have Asperger’s said you have bipolar like what’s the dif devil
feels the same you know it really can feel the same I don’t know too many
autistic people that are impaired the degree I am where they’re extremely
obsessive that don’t also swing the other way so most of the ass beats that
I know that are really really effective in their life meaning that they’re like
a voice for something they’re starting a following they have a YouTube they’re a
vlogger they have a business any of the ones that are capable of functioning at
that level they also tend to hit burnout and then they’re like not functioning at
all for a period of time so that does happen to me quite a bit
relationship-wise for me with the Asperger’s you know when I went through
my screening and going through all of the questions about my relationships I
scored like pretty much zero out of ten for my ability to attach him bond and
have like intimate relationships and I did do a video on this called why I
think it was called why everyone who loves me eventually hates me and you
guys can check that out if you want but it’s about how me as an Aspie going into
a situation of a relationship with someone even if it’s just for friendship
in the beginning it all goes kind of smooth because they’re not expecting you
to be bonded to them they’re not expecting any level of attachment or
anything like that but as their attachment to me grows and this is what
has been my pattern my entire life even with my own like family as their
attachment to me grows they expect my attachment to them to equally grow so
like parallel along the way right it’s not how it goes for me so if I think
you’re like a cool person and I get a lot out of interacting with you and I’m
engaging with you and we’re having fun and whatever it may be I’m really
valuing like your your friendship and this there’s gonna come a point where I
am as like into you as I can be and as close to you as I can get and out of a
scale of like on an average what a person could experience from a zero to
ten I’m gonna cap out at about like a two and so that means that I’m capping
out a tattoo but guess what’s happening to you as the person who’s in this
relationship you’re still growing in your attachment to me so you’re hitting
like a three and a four and a five and what ends up happening when you get
around like a six or seven you really start looking back thinking where is she
in my life like I’m always someone calling her
I’m always someone emailing her I’m always the one showing her that I want
to be in her life I’m always the one initiating let’s get together and how
come she doesn’t seem to care where is she and they started feeling like
insecure in the relationship and over time if the relationship continues to
grow they start noticing that the bond and the attachments not there you know
they want to hug me or they want to you know come into my space or be somewhat
like affectionate or be like endearing with me and I can’t mirror that and when
I don’t mirror that back they get hurt and they start feeling very unloved very
rejected and it doesn’t take too long once that person hits a closeness of
like a seven or eight with me it’s not too long before that relationship
completely falls apart and that person disappears from my life
entirely at that point and it was because they were progressively getting
more attached and where I was becoming a more significant part of their life and
I and I wasn’t mirroring that back to them and that became very painful for
them and so this is one impairment that I
have that’s major so yeah I can build businesses and I can do marketing and I
can make money and I can do I can accomplish lots of things I can
categorize information and I have this really amazing like genius brain but
emotionally I’m very stupid so emotionally I’m not my my relationships
are greatly hindered and impaired because of my Asperger’s so that is one
of the biggest negatives that I have that is for sure I mean the other stuff
too is like a little annoying like not being able to you know control or not
control but not being able to wear whatever I want to wear I always have to
wear like muscle shirts and stuff like I don’t know I don’t look very feminine
I’d like to be able to be more feminine I’m wearing just always black like
leggings and you know muscle shirts I would like to be able to wear my hair
down and without it making me want to die because it’s touching my skin things
like that are kind of you know annoying like if you watch any of my videos and
I’m wearing any kind of shirt that even has a tiny sleeve that’s for you guys
that’s because I bought something that I thought looked so nice I wanted to wear
it like at least one time I would put it on for the video so you guys could see
it and maybe if you’re really lucky I would like straighten my hair for you
guys so I looked pretty but I guarantee you the second I stopped filming that
shirt was off my bra was off my hair was going back up and like a bun or whatever
done deal you know like that thought there are
limits that are kind of annoying that way not being able to enjoy going into
restaurants and it’s not even as much because of the sounds and the smells and
all of the lights and the glare off the menu and the glare off the windows and
the contrast between the light coming in the windows and the dark lighting in the
room it’s not even as much about that although that stuff absolutely
drives me to insanity hits that the people talk to you and they interrupt
your conversation I don’t like when people interrupt me and they ask you if
you have any plans after this and I’m thinking like since when is this like an
investigation going on or why are you pestering me you know I don’t want to be
interrogated after I have my meal you know don’t talk to me I don’t want
people to talk to me and so you go shopping in the mall or you go into a
restaurant or wherever you go people want to talk to you and that just ruins
the entire experience for me like I’m I’m overwhelmed enough as it is just by
the environment but now you add this alien human thing that’s actually
looking straight into my eyes asking me a question and they want me to respond
and not only do I have to give a right answer I have to give it with a tone
that says I don’t hate you that’s really hard for me to do because immediately if
you’re talking to me and I don’t know you I hate you I’m sorry I don’t care
who you are if you talk to me and I don’t know you you’ve made me very mad
no I know that sounds really horrible but I absolutely hate when people talk
to me if I don’t know them and even if I do know you if you’re interrupting
anything that I’m saying or doing and you talk to me yeah you’re losing
brownie points real fast oh I know I I shot my door in my bedroom whenever I
don’t want someone to like come talk to me the kids know if my doors shut then
it means I’m rather vlogging or I am so deep in one of my obsessions that all
like my head will explode if they like interrupt me but yeah so anyways going
back to like relationships I really have never been able to be like close to my
friends are close to any of my partners like I was married for 15 years when we
parted ways it was like changing up our paths for me there was absolutely no
emotions whatsoever with that the only person so far emotionally that I’ve
attached to besides my children is my soulmate I’ve told you guys about this
many many times as for why I bonded to this one individual no idea the only the
only thing that I can think is there’s some kind of spiritual connection there
I have no idea I have no idea I don’t know the science behind who we attach to
and who we don’t attach to or why we attach or whatever no idea but that
attachment is like like he’s literally half of my being so when I am you know
not interacting or engaging with him for whatever reason we had a fight or or
whatever it is when him and I are not in unity I literally feel like half my body
is missing and I can’t do anything so that’s very very intense for me and it
actually angers me because I have all these things that I want to do in my
life and if him and I aren’t doing well then I’m crippled like I’m literally
crippled like I can’t even do any of my obsessions and it like pisses me off
because I want to do my obsessions because I’m obsessed with them but I’m
like crippled you know so yeah I’m greatly affected emotionally when
there’s something not right between me and someone I’m emotionally connected to
but I’m just emotionally connected to very few people very few people so
that’s kind of that’s another thing I’m trying to think if there’s any other
real big things so I’ve already talked about I haven’t talked about stems so
stems are kind of an interesting one for me growing up I was a headbanger I know
you’re probably looking at me thinking I can’t even tell that you’re autistic not
to mention like this stuff that you’d say you did when I was growing up I was
a headbanger until I was 17 so this means that I mean
most autistic people who are watching this video you know what head-banging is
you take your head and you bang it against something hard and okay
I’ll tell you a school when I was in high school this video is getting long
you can like click out anytime you want but before you do subscribe like comment
share hit the bell blah okay anyways back to my story when I was in
elementary school I learned that head banging I think I might have told the
story in one of the other videos but anyway I learned that head banging was
not appropriate when I was going to school one day I think I was 5 I could
have been 6 I don’t remember exactly now but there was this you know brick wall
and a school I was in the playground standing against the wall and I was like
taking my head and I was banging it like really hard against the wall I was
standing with my back against it I was banging my head against it and this kind
of behavior was really normal for me all this other little kid comes up to me and
she’s like why are you doing that or what are you doing or whatever and I
looked at her like what am I doing wrong like this is very normal you know I
don’t understand what she’s asking me or why she’s asking me that she doesn’t
that hurt and I stopped I thought about what I was doing so I was still doing
this while she was saying that to me I’m banging my head I’m banging my head it
doesn’t that hurt and I’m thinking when I stopped doing it and I started paying
attention to if it hurts I said to her no it hurts if I’m not doing it and I
went back to doing it again you know and she just lets me think what the heck’s
wrong with you and that was when I realized whoa
and I looked around and I realized wait a minute nobody else here is doing that
and so I stopped doing it in public but I was a headbanger until I was 17 and I
was not ever able to fall asleep without basically like knocking myself out with
head banging so what I would do is I would lay on my stomach in my bed I
don’t know at what age I started doing this I don’t remember a time where I
ever didn’t do it but I would lay on my stomach in bed and I
put my hands together in in front of my forehead and I would just whack my head
onto my wrists like as hard as I could and I would do this and tell I would be
sleeping and I would fall asleep doing that if I was like passing myself out
hypnotizing myself I don’t know what you would want to call it but I was not
capable of falling asleep without doing that and I got disciplined for it
because if my mother was like below me she would be hearing this bang bang bang
bang and it really would drive her nuts and I used to actually like to sleep on
the floor all the time by the heater because the sound of the heat like
coming out of the vent just the humming of that would put me to sleep and if I
couldn’t sleep by that I would climb out of bed and I would go sleep by the dryer
and if I couldn’t sleep with a dryer I would go sleep by the freezer or the
fridge or anything that made like a humming sound I would just lay there and
I’d bang and bang and bang and bang until I was like sleeping and if I was
making you know that banging kind of sound then my mom would you know come up
and like reprimand me because I was doing this and one thing I used to get
really big trouble for is I would crank the heat up not because I was cold but
because every time the heat kicked in it would make that sound and I couldn’t
sleep without you know some kind of sound going so every time the heat would
turn off I go crank it up a little higher because I wanted it to kick in so
she would get so mad because I would be having that heat just like blasting but
yeah so four stems anyways head banging I did that till I was 17 the only reason
I stopped was because I got pregnant with my son and I couldn’t lay on my
stomach anymore I at the beginning I was propping pillows up underneath like I
put the pillow on my chest then I put the pillow on my waist so that way it
balanced out the big belly but eventually like I could not lay on my
stomach anymore so I couldn’t Bank and that’s actually how I got out of the
habit of using like head banging as a stem I
went on to from there rocking a lot of rocking so in my bedroom I have my big
cozy rocking chair I pretty much like live in that rocking chair most of the
time like if I’m not out doing errands for the kids something like that I have
to be doing I’m in a rocking chair even at the new ASDP office I’m in a rocking
chair almost all of the time I have to be moving constantly like rocking like
doing these videos and not sitting in the rocking chair is like I just feel
feel so adjutant you know like you feel the energy like just building up in your
body because you just wanna you just want to like go give it a good shake
like you just want to move you need to get your body moving but so I rock I
paste my legs back and forth I sway I tap my legs a lot trying to think of
what else I do I always have songs playing in my head constantly and when
I’m in public places like standing in line or something I start singing or
humming them out loud and I’m so zoned out that I don’t realize I’m doing it so
that’s embarrassing I don’t know if there’s anything else I’m really
fortunate to not be limited when it comes to like what I eat I know there
are other autistic people where food is like a big thing for them
I just eat the same thing all the time like a piece of toast or like a chicken
finger or I have my favorite things and I’ll just always eat that so I’m not
really limited I’m just like I wouldn’t even say I’m selective it’s just I’m a
creature of habit so I’ll just like eat the same thing all the time trying to
think I know I may do a video one day on like what it’s actually like to be a
parent when you have Asperger’s because being an Aspie mom is like it is
challenging being a single ass be mom that’s like you know it’s very difficult
and it’s not just difficult on me it’s difficult on the kids too because they
have to deal with the fact that their mother is so incredibly antisocial that
I don’t want to go do anything because that means I have to engage with other
parents and I don’t want to engage with other parents because I don’t know how
to be fake I don’t know how to do small talk well when you go to any event and
there’s other parents there what do they all do do they talk about actually
things that like matter or do they talk about stupid stuff like the weather and
this and Billy’s and this and that and blah blah blah blah blah I can’t do it
you know I’ve never been able to do that I can’t interact at that level I cannot
do small talk and that’s why I get so mad when strangers talk to me it’s just
like if a stranger comes up to me and actually talks to me about something
really cool like something really really cool it’s not gonna bother me like it
will at first until I realize I like them okay just as an example with my
vlog let’s just say I was in the store and you were a complete stranger and you
had been watching my vlog and you recognized me and you came up to me and
do you’re like oh you’re so and so you’re mindful divergence and I saw your
a speak whiz video and I’m so and so I will be uncomfortable that you’re
talking to me but right away because you’re actually talking to me about
something cool which is me there’s my narcissistic attitude coming
out there but no you’re talking about something that’s of interest to me now
my vlog that’s like a passion of mine I’m gonna talk to you about it oh you’re
a vlogger oh you’re so and so okay blah blah blah I will be able to engage with
you now you’re I’m not gonna want to shoot you so that’s cool I’m gonna want
to like actually be your friend now but seriously if I know you from church and
you’re like oh hi Carol I’m gonna think like okay what what do you want to say
okay you want it just but I didn’t see you at church this week how are you no I
just I can’t do that I can’t it’s just nauseating it makes me want to
just it’s a combination of making me want to puke making me want to run and
hide and making me want to take you by your head and shake you so hard that
your head pops off it’s like a combination of all of that I know that
sounds more but I’m sorry it’s just true it just angers me I can’t stand small
talk so yeah that’s pretty much my life if I summarize it my life is about being
alone and loving being alone almost all the time
the only thing I like is some cuddles for like maybe an hour
I want interaction physical touch maybe like for an hour out of the day
otherwise I want to be completely by myself no interruptions whatsoever do my
obsessions all day long have a long bath for like an hour or two which is like
once again be all alone I do like to interact by text and messenger and I
like to interact and engage with people I like to be very social and have
relationships through like technology only not real life so if I’m your friend
in real life I probably will only see you like a few times a year because I
don’t like being around people I don’t like going out I can accomplish a lot
business-wise and financially just from like working from home so I’m thankful
for that I do have the asd village office now so i go there a few days a
week and i work from there and yeah sensory wise my biggest issues are touch
anything touching me very very sensitive to light i absolutely can’t stand almost
all sound yeah sensitive obviously to like being
overheated and cold back and forth back and forth constantly stuff
like that but I can’t tune out things so if you’re trying to talk to me and
there’s like music playing in the background I am not gonna hear a word
you’re saying even if the music is like barely a hum like you can’t even hear it
if there is any sound in the background I am NOT going to be able to hear what
you’re saying at all it would be kind of like being in a concert and trying to
hear what the guy on the other side of the stadium is trying to tell you and
you’re like wait the front it’s what it’s like for me if you’re even sitting
a foot from me and there’s a little tiny bit of music playing in the background
I close to blend together and become one sound so it’s like you’re humming to me
yes I’m not gonna understand what you’re saying so if I go out for coffee with my
friends and there’s other tables really close by and they’re talking I am like
hearing what they’re saying as much as I’m hearing what you’re saying and I
might sound or look like I am hearing you because I can read your facial cues
and expressions and I know when to nod and I don’t want to mm-hmm and that
stuff but I’m actually not hearing a word you’re saying I’m not engaging with
you I’m not emotionally connecting to the message that you’re trying to share
nothing I’m just like playing along because I’m there and I don’t want to be
rude asking you to like repeat yourself tons of times so I kind of just become
the listener but what you don’t know is I’m really not listening I am I am
knowing when to be socially appropriate and follow the cues of language which is
like nodding yeah I can understand that much but I’m not really engaging with
what you’re saying so I don’t even like to do it to be honest if I can just like
not go out that’s my preference I like to just stay home
I do like walking in nature when it’s warm though I love the Sun and I love
water I am obsessed with water like anything to do with water
if I’m driving my truck I absolutely we have to hit every puddle if I’m going
for walks I love to walk through the puddles I love to float I can lay in a
pool and float just with my eye shut for hours anything to do with water
I even like my last daughter she was born at home in the jet tub water it’s
like absolutely my life it just it’s so mesmerizing and so peaceful
watching the sound or watching and hearing the sound of like the ocean that
kind of thing raindrops dripping absolutely I can see why autistic people
drown because we are so drawn and passionately like in an almost spiritual
or like like a magnet we are drawn to water it’s all I could say we just are
very mesmerized by it but we don’t necessarily all have the same type of
understanding of danger and that’s why a lot of autistic kids drown because
they’re drawn to it but then they get into a situation that’s not safe so yeah
if you have an autistic child or you know of one you got to watch them like a
hawk if there’s any water around them yeah anyway this has been kind of a
totally I wouldn’t say it’s like a senseless video it’s just my ASPI story
this is just the story of one female on the autism autism spectrum and one
female out of many many autistic females that are out there that have a vlog this
is mine and kind of running through a little bit on my childhood a little bit
of my life now and I just wanted to tell you a little bit more about my ASPI life
of my ASPI story and that’s yeah anyways I’m really hoping that the people that
are watching this video if they don’t know like if their autistic if some of
the stuff is sounding familiar I would really love for you guys to leave me a
comment below what you could relate to and I have a question
for you guys and it’s a question that is really debated in the autistic community
and I want to know from all of the people that are watching what side of
the fence you guys are sitting on if you had the choice especially if you’re
autistic or you have an autistic child if you were able to cure your autism or
to cure your child’s autism would you and do you think that it’s something
that should be attempted to be cured I want to hear what you guys have to say
in the comments below and the last thing I want to do is just tell you guys
quickly why I do the vlogs the reason I do have this channel is because growing
up having undiagnosed Asperger’s was very very isolating and painful
experience for me and the suicide rates in the autistic community are tenfold
that of the neurotypical and so I do these vlogs because I actually want to
build a sense of community and purpose within the autistic community because I
don’t want to be seeing that happen and I have compassion on you know these
other people that are going through what I went through I went through and
continue to go through those boats where you feel very depressed or suicidal and
like life is meaningless and I understand all of that and so I do these
vlogs because I have compassion and so if you’re watching this and you have
learned anything or you would like to join me in my mission which is to lower
those rates and you know to bring a sense of you know purpose to the life of
an autistic person then I just ask for you to engage with the video you can
like subscribe or comment because when you do YouTube ranks my video higher in
the findings for people who need that kind of support so if you could do that
now that would be great you can answer the question in the comments below and
if you’re watching this and you’d like to connect with me one on one please
send me a friend request on facebook or send me a message on messenger and I
think that’s about it I don’t have anything else to say this is Carol Byrd
author of the Sun I almost gave away

13 thoughts on “My Aspergers Story! My adult, female, Aspie life – “are they pretending to be that dumb?”

  1. I’m 6 minutes in and you have no idea how much we have in common! I was always observing people and I feel I understood a lot about sociological concepts that others didn’t from a young age. The verbalizing was and is where I struggle.

  2. I have always been fascinated in learning since I was younger. I used to always watch the Discovery Channel, now I research things online instead. I do like mixing with a small amount of people, but I hate large events. I will not very often go to a party. Once at college I chose to stay in my room on my laptop instead of go to the party, and I was told a student called me stuck in the mud behind my back I like to socialise sometimes, but I would much rather sit on my laptop then go to a party. Sometimes I struggle like when my family comes round, on Christmas day I am I expected to spend the whole day with them. But I can’t, after a few hours I have to come upstairs and do my own thing

  3. I think that the “cure” for me would be to have acceptance and a place in society (the internet has been my lifeline). I think the more severe autistics may want a cure but for me, I just wanted to not be a freak and to have help understanding the normies when I was growing up.

  4. 'Liked' 😎…Just a heads up I follow #drjohnaking.I frequently check out his work on PTS&CPSD, you may appreciate it as well.I have found them to be very relatable.

  5. I’m realizing at 33 that I might have been on the Aspie spectrum since I could remember. I could relate to everything you talked about in this video. Thank you.

  6. If you liked this video – you may want to check out this one as well: Am I autistic test! 9 Communication Styles That Confuse the LIFE out of Autistic People! https://youtu.be/4XL-bfrdiPM

  7. Great content Carol. I am only 5 minutes in and the quality of what you are sharing is excellent. Such clarity of what autism is is not found easily these days. So to the point. So far I relate to everything you have said. Putting the majority of the content of all these videos into a book would be great. It would be fascinating to read and very informative. Sorry I keep harping on it hahaha I know you have so many other things in mind and in the works, especially now with the documentary coming up… I will try to not say it again! Hmm…Ok, just one more time and then I'll shut up: Put your videos' content in a BOOOOOOK!!! Hahahaha I just HAD to do it. Tsk tsk tsk…

  8. Learning and teaching! Yep, same as me! I just HAVE to learn all there is to whatever interest I have at the time and then I need to pass on the information to others in some way. Imagine my poor hubby Hahaha He is usually the first who hears about what I have learned.

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