Matinum

Taking Charge of Your Health


The first step to making a good granola is to grow out all of your body hair. ♪ You suck at cooking yeah you totally suck ♪ We’re gonna begin by purifying the area with a lavender-citrus spray. Then take three cups of oats and put those in any
hand-carved bowl of your choice. Take two cups of nuts, then go and find a power stone. Feel around for a stone that actively wants to participate in the granola-making process. You know it’s a power stone by feeling its power. Take off your bandana. Make sure it’s blue to infuse the nuts with calm. Fold the nuts into the bandana. And we’re gonna bring our power stone down firmly,
but with happy thoughts. We never crush our nuts with anger, we only crush our nuts with love. Say “thank you” to the power stone. And we’ll do a quick passive reiki over the nuts
to heal any damaged cells. We’ll mix in half a cup of free-range coconut flakes, half a cup of maple syrup, and half a cup of coconut oil. And we’re adhering to the 100-mile diet here. I got maple syrup from a farm 10 miles away from here, and the coconut oil from a grocery store only half a mile away from here. Put a teaspoon of vanilla extract. We’ll take a couple pinches of sea salt. Don’t use ground salt because ground salt has negative vibrations in it. And you can go ahead and whangjangle that together with any hand-carved implement. And we’re remembering to speak in soft tones around our granola. We’ll take another bowl and infuse the granola with sound vibrations until it’s at nutritional capacity.
[singing bowl rings] If you feel any emotional ups and downs during this process, that’s Venus and Cancer. You’re gonna feel sensitive, you’re gonna feel impressionable. I like to take a bit of eucalyptus and waft it everywhere but onto the granola. Onion’s on 350º and we’re just gonna smudge the onion to prevent the granola from becoming haunted. And then we’ll gently slide that in there. [tray clatters loudly] Good journey. [unexpected bongos] Bongo sound waves are great to give your granola a bit more depth. We are gonna take this out and set it down. I was way too rough with that. And I’m forgiving myself, and I’m loving myself. We are cooking this until we get a nice golden color. But you don’t want to be thinking of actual gold pieces and money. [tray clatters again] Good journey. This is a good time to meditate to raise the vibration of not only the granola, but all of humanity. As you let this cool,
it’s gonna crisp up over the next few minutes, which is just the power of energy in action. And because we cooked this on foil, we’re just gonna neutralize the effects of the foil with a lemurian crystal If you know a local shaman, this would be the time for her or him to chant over the granola, just in case you rushed that smudge and some spirits got in. [loud crackling] We’re gonna take some blueberries, and using ancient pyramid technology, we’ll dry them out and infuse them with eternal knowledge. Mix in those blueberries and you’re gonna stir. A mason jar full of granola is legal currency in some places, and should get you a half hour reflexology session or an equal size jar of quinoa. You just want to lay your hands on the granola for a couple minutes to infuse it with positive energy. Make sure you have the lid off when you do this, because positive vibes don’t pass through glass. I’m just labeling these with the names of some friends that I owe some granola to… [humming sound] [humming sound distorts and intensifies] ♪ My granola tastes really delicious ♪ ♪ Making granola is part of the journey of life ♪ ♪ My granola tastes so very good ♪ ♪ but I also feel humble about that fact ♪ ♪ and would never brag about it ♪ ♪ Even though my granola probably tastes better than everyone else’s ♪ ♪ because I’m a better meditator ♪ ♪ But everybody is learning and that’s okay ♪ [gasping breath] [whispered] Also the eucalyptus is poison.

100 thoughts on “Transcendental Granola – You Suck at Cooking (episode 43)

  1. I know this is a joke, but for some reason I kept thinking he was actually was like this and this is personally bothering me at this point.

  2. there was a lot of tin foil in that and that definitely isn't good spirits to bring into you body i would replace the maple syrup with honey to get rid of the anti good spirits trapped in the foil. Good journey.

  3. Well, we don't know what his face looks like, but we know who it is
    We're making progress guys, we will find out who HowtoBasic is

  4. MY GRANOLA WILL DO MORE TO CURE PEOPLE FROM DISEASES THAN VACCINES WILL EVER DO! NOT THAT THEY DO MUCH ANYWAYS!

  5. when the grape drying procces was happening , the grapes transformed into a mummy and stole all the toilet paper .

  6. If I have any Swedes out there or just people who know Swedish, please turn on Swedish subtitles, they are hillarious.

  7. ik this is a joke and all but its kind of calming or mabey im just happier because i hawent eaten for most of yeasterday and not at all today until now

  8. This is absolutely hilarious I practice most these things and the way you displayed it is beautiful 😂

  9. Maan you made me really want that. I will ask my friend and see if he has any. Hey Rick, hey Rick! Pass me some more eucalyptus Rick.

  10. You know what's fucked up? I can't tell if he's taking the piss or not. I think he is but I honestly can't say for sure.

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